Having spent the last four days in jury duty...I am proud to say a
verdict was reached yesterday afternoon. We found the
victim...um...defendant....guilty on two counts.
Even though during the jury selection I stood up in the courtroom
and screamed: "Wedgies for everyone!" it didn't deter the two
attorneys from selecting me and 11 stout men and women (one wahine
was really “stout”), a jury of peers ....actually I had really tried
hard to "dissa-peer" from the room but alas, to no avail.
It seemed of the 250 people milling around in the jury pool
room...and the 30 people called (my name included) to go to
courtroom 48 ...none were delighted to be there. I heard every
reason in the proverbial book given for not being there.
One woman said she was homeless and had just paid her last $300 to
someone to rent a room in a house and she had an interview for a job
on that very morning but didn't want to get into trouble with the
"law" so she was there. (the judge excused her and told her
hopefully she would make the interview and get that job and wished
her well.) Awww, “Aloha Happens” even in court!
Another said he was a retired fireman who lived next door to a
policeman who knew an FBI agent and was married to a cousin of the
parking lot attendant at the courthouse who knew three people who
were in a bus that six people who were witnesses in the case ate
dinner with in the same restaurant the judge had eaten the night
before....(are you following this?)
ok...I went too far...but there were some pretty radical reasons all
of which the judge said “you are fine. sit down.”
it was a DUI case. Apparently the defendant was observed speeding
over 80 miles per hour, drifting in lanes and upon being pulled over
smelled of 4,257 beers, 12 margaritas, 43 shots of tequila, 9 pink
squirrels, 3 sex on the beach, 6 cosmopolitans, and one fuzzy navel.
ok...the fuzzy navel was actually his but he quickly covered himself
upon getting out of the car. His 15 friends in the car were in
various stages of slumber, slurring, peeing and asking "are we
there yet?".
The officer asked the defendant if he had been drinking and the
defendant answered: NO of course not! But they have, officer!"
pointing to the herd in the back seat. Off the record, 6 people
mooned the officer, 2 gave the officer a wet willy and the rest
chanted: "Yes, we can!"
The defendant miraculously was able to pass the heel toe walking in
a straight line test...nine steps..turn around...hop on one leg,
find due north, repeat the preamble of the United States
Constitution, say 14 hail marys, tell two knock knock jokes and fart
on command.
He also was able to stand a modified attention and lock arms with
the officer and do a pretty good bolero to the beat of his
compadres beating on the fender of the car. It was impressive.
He refused to blow into the instrument offered because it was
against his religion but did consent to have blood drawn at a local
hospital. He surmised that by the time the blood was tested
all the alcohol should have magically dissipated.
A primary witness at the trial was a criminologist who proceeded to
educate us about how she could, by using a mathematical equation
give us the blood alcohol content at the time the defendant was
doing his bobbing and weaving doing 80 miles an hour.
She used a calculator, three raw eggs, albino rhino dung and a
hubcap of a '62 Volkswagen bug to come to the conclusion that at the
time the defendant was pulled over, his blood alcohol level was at
.08 which is the magic number to say: bro, you are toast.
I asked to see the Vee dub hubcap and when I put it up to my ear, I
could hear the sound of traffic and the sound of two mongoose making
love...which was disturbing. I never will want to hear that
sound again.
The defendant's attorney valiantly tried to rationalize the
condition his client was in by reminding us that the dance was
rather well executed and done in fine form. He also reminded us that
rhino dung is unpredictable. One jury asked for some evidence
of that but was quickly shouted down by the rest of us who wanted no
part of a rhino dung demonstration.
After four days of this blatant display of American justice all
twelve of us were ushered into a room with pads and next of kin
forms. I could understand the next of kin forms but the pads
were a bit much. I only use them on light days.
We jousted for position on being foreman on the panel. Finally,
after a vicious game of jun ken po, a man who hummed Lady Ga Ga's
"Poker Face" through the entire session won.
In the end, no blood was shed, kamikaze shots for everyone and a
guilty verdict was decided on. There was no weeping, renting
of garments ( or leasing either), no gnashing of teeth. There were a
couple of really good noogies happening at one point, but that's
another story.
The judge thanked the jury and we all did a pretty good stadium wave
in return. We were given documents to prove we had done our civic
duty and shuttled out into the hallway making way for the next
hapless defendant who I overheard was charged with a public display
of his bolero, which again I am told is another story for another
time.
|
 Kamaka
Brown's If Can Can. If No Can. No Can - new DVD now
available!
Kamaka has been writing short stories in Hawaiian Pidgin English for
20 years. You can find a few of them on AlohaWorld's Hanabuddah
Days website. Recently, he turned his stories into a performance
piece called "If Can. Can. If No Can. No Can." with slack key guitar
music.
He toured the Pacific Northwest and Southern California with his
stories to rave reviews. Here's what one event booker had to say
about Kamaka's performances:
KAMAKA BROWN and his show of music and stories is
one of my all time favorite shows at The Coffee Gallery Backstage.
This is an offering from a sharp, professional comedian and
talented musician replete with a full cadre of supporting wits and
players.
This is a genuine musical presentation with a generous serving of
funny stagecraft. What a delight they are. He and his musician
friends weave a tuneful spell between stories of childhood thrills,
vivid memories and unique adventures. All from the perspective of
soothing country life in sleepy Hawaii. Music is played. Philosophy
is exchanged and native wisdom shared. And the music! If anyone in
the audience does not like the multi-instrumental extravaganza they
are "soul deprived" and seriously humor impaired. The stories are
clever and funny.
I have offered Kamaka Brown my ultimate compliment and booking
opportunity: "You can play for me anytime we mutually have an
opening. Your show will always be a hit."
A live recording of one of Kamaka's storytelling show is now
available in DVD.
Pidgin English Humor on CD: "Touching Brains - Comedy for
the Lolo Impaired"
We are going to recommend a slice of humor that has been created for
your enjoyment. Island comic and AlohaWorld's own Kamaka
Brown produced "Touching Brains -Comedy for the Lolo
Impaired" along with Kailua's Andy Trask.
"Touching Brains" is 18 tracks of sketch comedy,
stories and song all in the style of the late Rap Replinger. Kamaka
and Andy poke gentle fun at travel agents, Pacific Rim Cuisine,
telephone physics, telemarketers, television commercials and more.
There's a song that may very well be the solution to world hunger!
Who knew??
If you enjoy the "feel good" style of local humor along with a heavy
dose of pidgin english thrown in then "Touching
Brains...Comedy for the Lolo Impaired" if for you!
Kamaka's "ALOHA HAPPENS! Stickers and T-shirts along with CD and
DVD
|
