Yup, it’s that time of year again.  It happens just about now.  I feel it welling up inside of me.  I don’t know if it’s the change in weather or the change in underwear but it’s definitely time for Kamaka’s Top 10 Wishes for the New Year!

10.    I wish the dry cleaners would stop shrinking my clothes. I am NOT finding this funny any more.  The Korean lady that does my dry cleaning is in conspiracy with Mr. I. Dunno.  Each time I put on my pants just back from the dry cleaners dem buggas no fit!  I know late at night she is in the back of her shop taking out the stitching of my pants and shirts. She then sews them back less an inch or so.  When I asked her about it she says: “Mistah I Dunno.”  I have been to her shop late at night looking for evidence of this after she closes. She’s called the police to complain that I am stalking her. This is NOT true.  If she is so sure I am stalking her why doesn’t she come to the window and say so!

9. I wish people would stop wearing fuzzy slippers outside the house. Not sure where the wearing of fuzzy slippers suddenly became fashion statement but it’s gotta stop. What ever was going through her mind at the time prompted her to stop dressing to go to the mall when it got to her feet.  She did her face and hair. Put on a pair of nice jeans with holes in strategic places. (Butt and knees) Slipped on a hot pink t-shirt with something about talking to the hand on the front and went to the closet for shoes.  At this point something happened.  She looked at the fuzzy house slippers she’s wearing and looked at the perfectly good pair of rubber slippers from Long’s.  Some chemical imbalance or thousands of years of female shopping genes all meshed into a decision to walk outside in the bright day light with those Sponge Bob fuzzy slippers. That’s just wrong!

 8. I wish car makers would make more cars with working blinkers.
It appears that more and more cars on the road have defective blinkers. Even the brand new Lexus and Mercedes have not escaped the malfunctioning blinker syndrome.  Either that or the dealers have made turn signal indicators an expensive option on their cars that people can’t afford to buy them when they make their purchase.  Here’s a tip for someone who wants to start their own business- open up your own “Turn Signal Repair Shop”!  Brah, you could make a killing.

 7. I wish the makers of Spam would stop making different kine Spam. Ok, we started with Spam, the original.  It withstood the test of time and generations of adoring fans.  I guess the fact that Spam sold a Kah-zillion cases last year isn’t enough for the greedy Spam makers.  They have been altering their product these days. That’s just wrong!  I DON’T WANT  TURKEY SPAM! I DON’T WANT SPAM LITE !!  I DON’T WANT SPAM JELLO!  I DON’T WANT SPAM JELLY !  I DON’T WANT SPAM MUSUBI !  Wait…THAT I want …but the other stuff nah!

 6. I wish they would make the commercials LOUDER on TV. Attention TV advertisers: You know your commercials on TV?  Um … you need to make them about 50 decibels louder so we hear them when we go bathroom during the breaks.  What? Oh you ARE making them louder so they can be heard when I go  next door to borrow cup rice already? Thank you so much for thinking of me. Me and my deaf dog want to thank you. I especially enjoy the guy who used to do monster truck announcing who now does furniture store commercials. MONDAY ! MONDAY !  MONDAY ! DON’T MISS THIS GOING OUT OF BUSINESS FOR THE FIFTH TIME SALE! SALE ! SALE ! THAT WILL OVER BY NEXT TUESDAY! TUESDAY ! TUESDAY!

 5. I wish I would get more credit card applications in the mail. Lately, there has been a diminishing amount of credit card applications in my mail box.  This has just got to stop!  Master card, Visa, Amex are you listening?  I want those perks that you offer so badly!  Send me those applications that I have been pre-approved!  I want the Airline travel, hotel rooms, cash back, electronic goodies just for using your card!  I feel so loved when I get those wonderful invitations to debt hell! Last year, I started to shred applications from credit card company A and put the shredded material in the postage paid envelope of company B.  Then took the shredded application from credit company B and put them in credit card company C’s postage paid envelope. You get the idea.  Hmmm…do you think somebody got the message? Hmmmm??

4.  I wish to meet the sales trainer for wireless phone companies. Don’t you just love going to the mall and some kid in a wireless kiosk with a shaved head makes kissing sounds with his lips to get your attention as you pass? “Hey…(kissing sounds) …dude..(kissing sound) Wanna free phone? Come over here man, I can hook you up.  (kissing sounds)  Hey man, what kind of cheap phone you got? I got a better one, man.  Those guys must have been to a sales training class. I can just imagine the training. “Ok..make your lips like you are going to kiss someone and make this sound.  All together now: (kissing sound) Hey… you …wanna ….free …phone?”  That training class was right next door to the class for the girls that sell hand lotion at the mall. “Hi ! May I see your hand? (SQUIRT!)

3. I wish those telemarketers would START calling me again. I used to get lots of calls around 8 at night. When they start talking I ask for the name of the person calling. “Um..Jack.” he says.  I say, “ok, Um Jack. You related to Billy Innabox?” He says, “I beg your pardon?”  Can you see where I am going with this?

“Hello this is Grace with the LA Times.”

“Grace, I have a question on section B page 12. Now was this Eduardo Martinez the same Martinez that appeared in the February 12, 2002 edition of the LA Times section A page 2?”

Most of the time they just hang up.  I think the telemarketers have my number and picture hanging on a wall. “DO NOT CALL UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES” the sign says in their call centers.  If any of you telemarketers are reading this, please call me, it’s a lonely world!

1. I know I skipped number 2. This is like the baker’s dozen except you get one LESS,  Eh get over it, I only went public school.
 
I truly wish for just a moment we could each walk in each other’s shoes.  Live in those shoes for a moment in time.  Feel each other’s families and lives.  Look through each other’s eyes and soul.  Feel hearts beating inside each other’s breast.  Look at each other’s hands and feet to consider each other’s mortality.
 
Consider the unspoken voices we hear inside, the wants, desires and hopes we have for ourselves and our family. Experience the tears of joy and sorrow.  Listen to the laughter of each other’s children and loved ones.  Ponder the blessings of each day from another person’s life across the street, in another part of town, another state, another country.

“You may say I am a dreamer.
But I am not the only one.”
And maybe, just maybe John Lennon sang:
“And all the world will live as one.”
 Imagine.
Just imagine.

From my hale to yours, a very pono New Year !

Kamaka Brown's If Can Can. If No Can. No Can - new DVD now available!

Kamaka has been writing short stories in Hawaiian Pidgin English for 20 years. You can find a few of them on AlohaWorld's Hanabuddah Days website. Recently, he turned his stories into a performance piece called "If Can. Can. If No Can. No Can." with slack key guitar music.

He toured the Pacific Northwest and Southern California with his stories to rave reviews. Here's what one event booker had to say about Kamaka's performances:

KAMAKA BROWN and his show of music and stories is one of my all time favorite shows at The Coffee Gallery Backstage.  This is an offering from a sharp, professional comedian and talented musician replete with a full cadre of supporting wits and players.
 
This is a genuine musical presentation with a generous serving of funny stagecraft. What a delight they are.  He and his musician friends weave a tuneful spell between stories of childhood thrills, vivid memories and unique adventures. All from the perspective of soothing country life in sleepy Hawaii. Music is played.  Philosophy is exchanged and native wisdom shared. And the music!  If anyone in the audience does not like the multi-instrumental extravaganza they are "soul deprived" and seriously humor impaired.  The stories are clever and funny.
 
I have offered Kamaka Brown my ultimate compliment and booking opportunity:  "You can play for me anytime we mutually have an opening.  Your show will always be a hit."

"Tales From Da Hanabuddah Days" is Kamaka's latest release of original Hawaiian Pidgin English stories on CD with the awesome original compositions of classical guitarist Joe Thompson providing the tapestry of acoustic slack key interpretations along the way. A journey back in time to Hawaii of the '60's makes a great addition to your collection or a beautiful gift to a Hawaiian or Hawaiian at heart.

Kamaka's  "ALOHA HAPPENS"! Stickers and T-shirts along with CD and DVD

Aloha Pumehana and God bless !!

Kamaka